The rain falls outside. Freezing rain. And it is probably nasty to be out in that right now. Inside, I make coffee and reflect on me, my position or/and disposition of here. Not just life, but my position on the Internet, my position in society (a very limited one), my position as a neighborly member of my local community, my position as a family member to those whom I'm related to. I think: "is this what it's all about?". In terms of life, I feel like there is a lot of "dealing with problems", or at least observing a lot of problems that are happening in the world (indeed, the planet is fxxxed - and we all know it/see it). And perhaps it is my/our natural instinct to not let things "just be/stay fxxxed", and to possibly DO something about some of it (if at all possible). But then comes the question of "who actually listens to a nothing nobody like myself?". And then comes some other nuanced (probably psychosis-driven) mindset of "no one will listen, because I am marginalized in society/online/and even around those who I know".

So, the more one tries to "track down the culprit" of why things are fxxxed, and why I feel (and very much so am) marginalized, etc., the more (I feel) like I am somehow to blame for my disposition in the world. Such as: "I didn't hustle hard enough", "I didn't work long enough", "I didn't want it bad enough", etc. In other words, a failing and flailing mindset of self-defeatism that most people (maybe everyone?) is victim to in one way or another. And in one respect, it comes down to "I am just this way", and I have to accept who I am. On the other hand, it can be viewed as, "why, exactly, do I bother to try at all, if there are so many problems in the world that even if I did XYZ thing to enrich myself or/and the planet, nothing actually ends up getting accomplished in the end?"

There is something that has been written about in existentialism called "the malaise of modernity", and how everything is convenient, and everything is easy, and humans don't have to "hunt" or "gather" or even try at all anymore - and that makes us into domesticated rats, essentially. And I 100% agree with that - domestication is neutering our instincts, and desires. But, to go further, I would say there is something akin to a "malaise of extinction", that most everyone has to cope with, justify, and consolidate. A sort of mindset of, "yea, it's fxxxed, we know it's fxxxed, no one can make it un-fxxxed, so don't even bother to try". Essentially, I (and others, too, perhaps) are seeing/reading/watching/observing a sort of hopelessness incarnate come to pass. A manifestation of dark, and perhaps darkEST days ahead.

So, there's a small rant, expression of concerns, opinion, what have you, on how I see and feel the world around me. Most of the time, I am consolidating (or supplementing) this harsh, dark, grim outlook by distracting myself with busywork, or blind optimism, or perhaps just general self-improvement. But "the dark parts of the world" are still there, just not always visible 24/7.

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